A Hoodie is not responsible for the death of Trayvon Martin and I seriously believe his fate would not have been any different had he not been wearing one.

This new theory comes on the heals of Geraldo Rivera claiming that the hoodie Trayvon Martin was wearing was just as responsible for his death as George Zimmerman.

The issue at hand here is that racial stereotypes, fear, and hate are just some of the main causes responsible for this young man’s death and it is something that most black males, especially from the inner city can relate to. As a young black male, sometimes no matter what you are wearing, you grow up being automatically pre-judged and in most cases are already labeled a menace just within the first 15 seconds of being seen.

Literally as recently as the other night, I was walking home to my apartment complex in a predominantly white neighborhood where a woman in front of me ran away in fear. She could have easily called the police and who knows what could have happened in that situation. I was not wearing a hoodie by the way.

The unfortunate truth however is that despite already being pre-judged, it would be naïve and foolish to discount that wearing certain articles of clothing can contribute to the fears some people have regarding these dangerous stereotypes.

I remember being cussed out by my mother for walking out the house with a du-rag, being told that I look like a thug and that I could attract negative attention. Similar conversations that my mother and I had are taking place all over the country with regards to hoodies, sagging pants, fitted caps, etc.

The fact is that the way some dress in urban communities is part of the culture in which they come from and is sometimes necessary to not only to fit in socially but for survival. In certain neighborhoods, if you don’t fit in and stand out too much, you may be targeted. That’s not an opinion, but it’s an absolute fact. On the flip side, if Trayvon Marin was wearing a suit and tie, would that have changed his fate?  We should not have to require our young men to wear suits and ties just for them to avoid being killed.

Overall, there is clearly a double standard when it comes to young black males and the way you are supposed to look in order not to be considered dangerous. We need to be honest and admit that people have bias based on racial stereotypes, bigotry, hatred, their family history, popular culture, etc. Of course there are those who contribute to these negative stereotypes based on their barbaric behavior and overall stupidity but that’s a different discussion. Let’s not use the hoodie as a scapegoat for the larger issue at hand.

A Young man lost his life that he can never get back, and it did not have to go down like that.

Follow Dumar Paden on Twitter: @DumarKP

Unfortunately, this story does not surprise me as it seems like every year more and more youth are senselessly murdered.   What annoys me most about this case or any other situation that begins to receive national media coverage is that it creates an environment of “bandwagon movements” where individuals either seem like they care to fit in with current events and/or use it for their own personal agendas.

From Sean Bell, Jena 6, Troy Davis, and now Trayvon, individuals begin screaming to the roof tops about their disgust, wear t-shirts, engage in marches, but when the situations are no longer part of our mainstream conversations, the energy dies. The Twitter and Facebook posts disappear and everyone goes back to not caring about the issues that affect our generation.  This happens way too frequently.

Before the 2004 Presidential Election, Diddy sold us $20 t-shirts talking about “Vote or Die’ and everyone became voting activists for a month. In 2008, then Senator Barack Obama told everyone “Yes We Can” and all of a sudden people became more involved in politics for a little while but returned to their usual apathetic attitudes shortly after the election.

While everyone may not be on the same level in terms of activism and political awareness, it is our responsibility as a community to at least be knowledgeable about the issues and put in some time to help fight against injustice or inequality. Everyday there is a Trayvon that is getting killed, or child in need of a mentor who could possibly use a positive role model, as well as countless other cases that can use your support or voice.  Let us use our energy and anger to sustain long term movements instead of short-term “bandwagon movements” that does nothing but provide good conversation but no results.

—-

Dumar Paden

Follow on Twitter: @DumarKP

Email: Dumar@DumarLeadership.com

1. Never seem happy for your success: You give these people good news and they never seem happy for you. It feels like they are forcing themselves to act like they actually give a damn that you are doing something for yourself. Worse of all, these people always have something negative to say or a smart ass comment to make. They are the first people to tell you that something won’t work or you shouldn’t do this or that.

2. It always about them: These people could care less about what you are doing but always expect you to listen to their laundry list of issues. Your issues are so-so but their issues are the best thing since President Obama. You constantly give these people advice and act as their part-time therapist. When the tables are flipped, good luck getting actual advice. You may hear generic statements such as “Things will be ok” or “Just keep pushing”. Never nothing in depth or from the heart.

Your relationship can’t be one sided and if they can’t give you equal attention to what’s going on with you, chances are they may be jealous and don’t want you to do well in the first place.

3. Constant Competition: Some people don’t see you as a friend but as someone they must compete with to prove they are important. Have you ever seen someone who stole your idea but didn’t give you the credit? What about someone who must top everything you do all the time?  I’m talking about that friend that sees you with a new skirt and they go out and get the same skirt, just in a different color and act like it was just a coincidence. How about the attention whores who must prove they are better than you at all cost. These are all examples of Constant Competition Haters.

If you have a friend/partner that are showing some of these signs, it may be time to re-examine your relationship with that person.

—

Dumar

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You never forget the abuse you saw and or dealt with as a child. You grow up seeing and dealing with things that no one should have to experience at any point in their life.

You never forget the pain. You never forgot the feeling of hopelessness as you say to yourself WHY? Was this my destiny for me to be placed in this scenario?

You make bad decisions in relationships. You can’t find or keep a significant other of quality. Perhaps the reasoning for this was that you didn’t have a healthy example of what love is when you were growing up. Maybe you make bad financial choices. Could the reasoning of such terrible decisions be base upon bad habits of previous generations? Perhaps.

Quite possibly you try to do well with your life but you always have someone that’s in your presence that tries to tear you down. Every time you are about to turn that corner, there is a negative force whose main objective is to see you in defeat.

The great thing about life is that everyone gets the same 24 hours whether they are black or white, rich or poor. For as long as you have breath, you have the opportunity to change your reality. You can’t build a home in a day but you can lay one brick down at a time until the home is eventually finished. You don’t choose your family or the circumstances you are born with but you do control what you do from this day forward.  Some say easier said than done, but unless you try you have no idea what you can accomplish. It doesn’t matter whether you are 20 or 50 years old:

Greatness does not have an expiration date.

Everyone has a story and it is that story that you will use you to push yourself to overcome your obstacles. Use your past and your family demons not as a roadblock but as the fuel you need to begin a new legacy of love, wealth, courage, and fulfillment. As long as you have breath and a beating heart, you have a purpose.

2+2 doesn’t equal 4.

2+2 is going to be whatever I want it to be- Will Smith

Quite frankly, this column is not about whether Smiley & West are right or wrong but this is a statement expressing why we have missed the larger issue at hand.

Whether you agree with the tour or not is irrelevant. The issue at hand is that poverty in is this country is a serious problem that needs to be addressed but is never spoken about. During the 2008 Presidential Election, the topic of poverty was simply ignored as both candidates failed to discuss comprehensive strategies to help poor and disenfranchised people.

Some people say that as long as the poor have food & shelter then they should be satisfied. Poverty is deeper than the amount of food or money you have. Poverty can and has contributed to an environment of low expectations, low achievement, and self hate in urban communities across the country. Sure there are many individuals who fight the odds and overcome the terrible hand that they have been dealt, but there are far too many who fall victim to their condition. You have families who have suffered for decades where bad credit, poor schooling, and high rates of unemployment have been passed down from generation to generation. While people are waiting around for the “Charter School Superman” to come save low performing schools, students continue to suffer while becoming test taking zombies.  Hard working people struggling to support their families continue to live in financial quick sand paying for decisions their parents made back in the day. Even college graduates who can’t find a decent job are forced to come back home to their environment of poverty where no good is waiting for them along with a nice student loan bill they can’t afford to pay. Let us not forget about the drugs, crime, violence and high rates of sexually transmitted diseases that exist in communities destroyed by poverty.

This is the reality that few wish to discuss because it is too raw and way too real. Due to the seriousness of these issues, I find it insulting that time is being wasted on debating about Smiley & West and their relationship with the president. The same way people have been staunchly defending the President against their criticism is the same energy I feel they should have in advocating for creating solutions to the problems of the underserved.  We all have a responsibility to serve regardless of who we are and where we come from.

Dr. King once said:

“Everybody can be great because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.”

This was just a reminder of our focus and priorities. It’s Deeper than Smiley, West, and a Poverty Tour.

There are numerous young people who have the ability to lead and want to make a difference but they often feel like they don’t have a voice, let alone a seat at the table. They are often dismissed because they don’t have the right “fit”. As long as we continue to dismiss those who talk, look, and act differently than what is considered to be mainstream & safe, new upcoming leaders will continue to be out of touch. Let’s begin to encourage those who have ORIGINAL value to offer instead of a stiff puppet who has a title but is not a true leader. You can be unique, original, & influential while fitting within the culture of a corporate entity or an organization.

REMEMBER: Perception is reality. Being known as an individual who provides little to no value will make you highly replaceable. When you are authentic who can produce real solutions to problems, you will always be an asset.

Are you fitting a prototype?  Are you an asset or a replaceable liability?

You don’t have to have given birth to a child to be considered a father. There are endless men who serve as role models and mentors to individuals all the time. They donate their time and wisdom to help the underserved. These men range from basketball coaches, youth program workers, and leaders within community who have guided many to become strong & civilized people. Young boys & girls who were roses that grew from the concrete due to the influence of strong men are stories we don’t here on the news.

To fathers who have actual children, I salute you as well. Many fathers who are working multiple jobs, providing the best they can for their families are the backbone of our communities. Others who take the responsibility of guiding children that is not their natural seed need to be celebrated as well. As there are many men who don’t provide for their own, there are also just as many who step up and give those children the same love that they need.

To those who are paying their child support and still participate in their children lives despite obstacles that may try to discourage them from participating, I salute you. There is no question that laws & government social programs provide incentives for men to be absent and for the single mother syndrome to continue. These men not only pay their children support, but will fight to the depths of hell to make sure they are not only a just financial asset but a loving presence.

We focus on the negative so much that we forget to celebrate our leaders & heros who are doing real work everyday. If there is a man in your life that has helped you in some way, let them know today. While these strong men don’t perform their duties for applause and praise, your acknowledge of their influence will be well appreciated.

Happy Father’s Day

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Too Much Gossip: There are way too many men out here who hate on the next man just to get a piece of ass or to impress a woman. They will throw their friends under the bus and gossip about their personal business. This is pillow talk on steroids. These men think they are increasing their chances with that woman but they are wrong. Anytime a man spends more time trashing someone else instead talking about their own value, they already have one foot out the door and a ticket to booty-call land. The gossip is seen as a sign of weakness to the woman who wants no parts of an insecure man. Fellas, please stop this now.

The Pedestal Syndrome: Too many men find a woman they really like then proceed to place her on this ridiculously high pedestal. Instead of enjoying the moment of getting to know this beautiful woman, they become irrational. They start doing things they never done before in the hopes of impressing her. If their personality is that of a sarcastic funny guy, then all of a sudden they stop telling jokes in an effort not to offend her. I have seen men crumble trying to become some character instead of being real and authentic. If she is not feeling you as you are, keep it moving.

No Swag: For some swag is about the clothes you wear and how good you look. Swag is deeper than your appearance but it is more so about an attitude and a way of life. Having swag is about being comfortable in your own skin and having the supreme confidence of who you are. Not having enough swag is not about being corny. There are many brothers out there who are corny as hell but they have their own swagger. Why? They are content and completely comfortable with being corny and that works for them. Having no swag is when you try to play a role or a position that’s not you. Swag-less dudes smell like a bucket of false confidence. No titles or organizational ties can help these gentlemen. They have no real identity and nothing to offer to a woman of substance. Nothing is worse than a man with no principles or foundation. Now of course swag-less men get women and have relationships but how long do these relationships last?

Ridiculous Expectations: Just as we explored with women last week, some men’s expectations are off the charts. These men want their mother, favorite porn star, best friend, and all-star chef rolled into one. If you can find this more power to you! Realistically speaking, men who are looking for a serious relationship should aim to find a woman who in addition to her attractiveness is also down to earth, loyal, and is willing hold you down. If you can find this in a woman, she is worth the investment.

This is just a warm up. Stay tuned for Vol. 2 …

Coming Soon…Real Reason You’re Still Single: Women’s Edition Vol. 2

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Ridiculous Expectations: I understand people have tastes and preferences but sometimes people’s expectations are ridiculous. It is absolutely important to find someone you are attracted to but you can’t get everything you want. I have seen various women not even give certain guys a chance solely because they didn’t meet a height/age requirement or their hair wasn’t curly enough. I don’t think these women should settle but instead they should just let things flow. If you think the guy is chill and cute, he should be given an opportunity. You might be missing out on someone of quality.

The Dreaded Run Down of Questions: Woman who are known for asking the “Dreaded Run Down of Quesitons” are almost always single because they turn  guys off before an actual conversation begins. The dreaded questions include:

Do you have kids?, Do you have a job?, What do you do?, Did you go to college?, Are you looking for a relationship?

Don’t get me wrong, these are valid questions to ask however please don’t ask them as if we are in a job interview. Men don’t like to be interrogated. Ask such questions in the rhythm of the conversation.  Just let it flow!

Hater Girlfriends: There are many individuals who are always miserable no matter what. These miserable people take joy in making sure those around them have miserable company. Hater Girlfriends make sure that any men that are seen as potential prospects are shut down. Hater girlfriends will make sure they play a terrible wing woman on purpose to destroy the prospect’s chances. These are also the women who will find anything wrong with a prospect just because they don’t want anyone around them to have a man.

Being Dishonest with your Emotions: Quite frankly, there are some woman who can hang out and have sex with a guy with no strings attached. For many other woman, in their minds they believe they can do this as well but they quickly learn that their emotional attachment to that man through sex is too strong. At first they have no issues when the man is messing with other mates but as they catch feelings for that man, they become jealous, upset, and feel used. An agreement that started with no strings attached quickly turns into hurt feelings. Despite your fun or feelings of closeness, if you are not considered his “wifey” there is no reason to believe you are the only option he has. If you can’t handle fooling around with a man with no strings attached, don’t do it. As the saying goes, if it’s too hot then get out the kitchen. It will save you time, stress, and you will have less emotional baggage.

Not letting things Flow: This is the downfall to a lot of women when they are in the “talking” stages with a man. Based on my discussions with many women, one of their major fears is being strung along by a guy. I totally understand this because every woman wants to be the #1 option and not some side piece. However in striving so hard not to be the side piece you can turn us off. One thing men hate is an ultimatum or the feeling of being pressured to do something.  When a man wants to be in a relationship with you, he will let you know. Trust me on this! We don’t want someone to push us or force us. Deep down, men want a friend who they can trust and be cool with. Of course if the man really is stringing you along then it is time to go, but having patience is essential. Be confident in your personality and know your worth. When your confident and let things flow naturally, you will always get what you are looking for.

Stay tuned for Vol. 2 …

Coming Soon…Real Reason You’re Still Single: Men’s Edition Vol. 1

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In my many discussions with people who suffer from the Hater Epidemic, the #1 reason they keep these people around is due to a fear of change. I have found that people are afraid to lose friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, and family. At the end of the day you have to know your WORTH! If you feel undervalued it’s time to bounce, whether it be a relationship or friendship. Don’t hold on because of comfort. People will come and go in your life and sometimes they were present to serve a particular purpose.

Don’t get Hate confused with criticism. If constructive criticism is coming from a place of love, then this will help you grow. However if there are people who constantly tear you down, make you feel worthless, and always finding something negative to say and/or do, get rid of these people immediately. If you feel like there is always a hidden competition with a person in your life, they need to bounce too!

I’m talking about that person that’s always trying to top you and never acknowledge your accomplishments. If you get a new 36’’ TV they got to go out all of a sudden and get a 42’’.

I’m talking about that friend that sees you with a new skirt and they go out and get the same skirt, just in a different color and act like it was just a coincidence.

What about your family who may hate on you because you went to school, got a job, and they get mad because you refuse to support them financially.

That boyfriend/girlfriend that wants to keep you stagnant and beat down so they feel better about their crummy situation.

These people must go, NOW!  The longer you stay comfortable, the longer you will keep losing.

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